Chapter 06: And the Award Goes to Me

One of the greatest achievements an actor can attain is an award certifying that he or she is the best at this noble craft. But once you are down off the stage and making your way through the lesser hopefuls, what if a fellow actor appears to be serving you genuine praise while simply pretending, ironically making you the spectator and him or her the thespian, thereby becoming the greater actor than you, and therefore entitled to take your award away from you?

To avoid this horrid scenario, never speak to anyone. You wouldn’t speak to another person at a birthday party thrown in your honor, would you? The same rules apply.

Second, when you win, do not trip as you approach the podium. Do you remember when Sir John Gielgud won his fifth Academy Award? Of course
you don’t, because he tripped all five times. Bad form, Sir John, bad form.

Third, when your award is handed to you, employ a two-handed grip and begin your speech by staring straight up. Why? Because the greatest tool an actor has aside from their face is their neck. You owe everything to your neck. How many actors win awards by playing a character who always stares straight ahead? It simply cannot be done.

Fourth, following the ceremony, enjoy yourself at the after-party. WRONG! Do not forget the golden rule: Do not speak to anyone. Sit at a corner table with your award and your newfound happiness. Scowl at anyone who dares look at your award.

An award is what makes acting worthwhile. Even if you just win a Golden Globe, it still fits on a mantle, validating this great craft.

Also, getting nominated and not winning is worse than not being cast in the first place.